Have you talked to your partner about things that we do, but don’t always think about? Things like cooking, cleaning (dishes, floors, bathrooms, etc.), laundry, shopping for groceries, household bills, etc.? If not you might find yourself slipping into roles that you had never considered for yourself or that you don’t appreciate being thrust into. Yes, we all need to step up and do the life things that we don’t like. There are few people I know who enjoy cleaning bathrooms, but it needs to be done.
I challenge you to answer the following questions related to who is responsible for what? Do this with your partner as part of a conversation. Talk to them about who should be primarily responsible for items on the list that you need to take care of as an adult. Bills, household chores, raising children, and anything else you can think of. If the answer from your partner isn’t what you want to hear, talk about it. You might find that we default into certain stereotypes a bit more often then we think and slip into unspoken expectations that will eventually cause problems in a relationship
Who in your relationship is responsible for:
- Cooking?
- Cleaning?
- Laundry?
- Groceries?
- Household bills?
- Household repairs?
- Vehicle bills?
- Raising children?
- Caring for pets?
- Organizing date nights?
- Other?
Are you living with your current partner? (No – are you thinking about moving in together?)
How did you decide who is responsible for the above tasks?
If you talked about the tasks prior to moving in with your significant other you are a step ahead of many other couples, and I must applaud you for your communication skills.
If you haven’t don’t worry. Talking through the expectations needs to happen more than once as things change throughout your life. At some points we are able to do more and at others less. There are lots of expectations that we bring into our relationships that we have from our growing up or even previous relationships. So note that there isn’t always one way to do things, but multiple and changing ways.
I truly believe that you need to talk about the mundane, everyday tasks in life to really get to know someone. Finding out what your partner expects of you in relation to everyday tasks is important to knowing if you can or are willing to meet those expectations and visa-verse. By learning about each others expectations in relation to everyday things you learn about values, beliefs and desires for the future.
In this particular time expectations need to be discussed. No longer can we assume that a woman will do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, child rearing, and other “household” duties and that the man will bring home the money, as our parents and grandparents may have done. In most relationships both partners work, time at home is different then it was when some of these stereotypical roles were defined. Thus it is important to talk about what you expect from each other early in our relationships.
I can say with certainty that had my husband and I not talked about these things, and revisit them on a regular basis, we would not be married or even have a child. Our living together would have been a challenge from day one as we would have been angry at each other for not meeting expectations we had of each other that we never shared. And how is that fair?
Communication is a skill. Being in a relationship takes work. By setting your expectations of each other early you take some of the work out of your relationship. The guess work. Suddenly communication becomes easier as you know how to address the sticky subjects like who is cleaning the bathroom toilet this week.
The Adams-Schlag Family 