Things you miss

You don’t fully realize what you like, love or need from someone until they arn’t there to provide those things. It’s hard to know how much you truly rely on your partner until they aren’t there to support, provide encouragement and intimate love.

For those of you reading this who have lost a partner either through something like death or divorce (your choice or not) you will understand how it feels. How no matter how much support from family and friends you have there is just a piece missing. That something in addition to your own thoughts, your own ideas, your own being.

Regardless of HOW we have lost a partner there is always grief. It sometimes comes before the event, but it is always there. It hits you at odd times, in odd ways, and can leave you feeling empty, angry and tired.Sometimes there is fear. Especially around raising kids and being enough for them. On even just fear of being alone, by yourself with no one else to share in the intimate things of living. IT’S ALL PART OF GRIEF and I don’t think it is only related to losing a partner.

I am missing Dave very much this week. The kids are starting school soon and he always took them on their first day. It was something he looked forward to doing and we made sure that he was home to do. He helped get them ready, helped one make sure we had what was needed, shared my anxiety over if they would be good school citizens.

Please understand that this isn’t about feeling lack of support. The support is there, it’s just incredibly different from having the support from an intimate partner. Having someone imediately available to pick you up,to provide direct support in they way you need because they know YOU. Have lived with you, and loved you differently than friends and other family do. This is grief. It is my grief this week.

It has been almost 4 months since he passed. I thought summer would be the hard part, but I think this fall might be harder. My grief is me writing this so that it might help someone else while tears stream down my face. I will be okay, but right now I really miss my Dave, my intimate person.