The Fall Struggles

It’s been a while since I have shared how we are doing because we are still settling into what normal looks like. It shifts a bit every month and there are days that are great, good and not so much. Our continued journey has hit a few snags and additional challenges throughout the last couple of months and it’s been hard to put it down into words.

The kids have been back in school for almost 2 months now and while they are enjoying being back in person there are definitely challenges, especially with the youngest one. We are also trying to get back into the extra curricular activities, but those are a bit challenging as we are navigating timing and energy levels that change each week.

We have done another trip north that while good, had a few additional challenges within the trip. October has not been kind in adding additional stress, anxiety, fear and loss to our lives. The result of our trip in early October – two heart attacks, finding out a family member was hospitalized due to COVID complications (and subsequent passing), sick cats – was additional navigation of possible loss.

On our way up north I received a message from my mom about my dad being taken to hospital weak and with spiking blood sugars. We were in Edmonton at the time so it was just an information message more than anything. A few hours after I received a message that my dad had a minor heart attack and was being flown to Edmonton for additional tests and possible procedures.

While there was nothing I could do about it at the time it does impact the grief, anxiety, loss, etc. journey that we have been on since the end of April. I was able to see my dad while he was in Edmonton prior to continuing our trip north. He was alert and interacting with nurses, doctors and other medical staff well and didn’t need me to hover as what they were doing was fairly routine and he was generally fine.

As a result of his heart attack he had four stints put into 3 veins and was returned to regular life within a few days. WHICH required additional organization to get him home as they didn’t fly him back north. It all worked out and he is now doing what he needs to do to strengthen his heart so that he can get back to doing the things he wants to do.

HOWEVER, this was stressful for everyone on top of already dealing with loss and grief. Please don’t be upset if my family didn’t reach out to you during this time. There was NOTHING that you could have done, and those who could help were contacted. HE IS NOT DYING nor WAS HE DYING. This is being shared so that you can understand where my kids and I are at in our journey.

We had a lovely time with family up north following this. The kids made brands with Uncle Rick and got to put them up in the garden house. We will do more this coming summer down at the river with them before bringing them home. Thank you Rick for doing this with the kids, they really enjoyed it and I am super grateful for your continued support in their learning different things that we don’t get much of in the city.

We spent some time with Great Grandparents too while we were there celebrating a 90th Birthday for Grandpa Frank. There was a lot of excitement with the kids being around and so much other fall work being done to prepare for winter. Unfortunately, with additional restrictions a full family gathering could not happen. We also found out that in late August and through September some of the family members had been dealing with COVID.

In all of this there was just that added stress of not knowing what was happening with other family members who were very sick. HOWEVER, again there is nothing we could do other than provide support as needed or requested. It sucks, but is the current reality we are living in.

We left on Monday to head home and stopped again in Edmonton, planned, but good thing as 30 minutes outside of Edmonton my tire pressure sensor in the vehicle went off – just after it had gotten dark! Yep, that was the way our trip was going. Turned out to be just low pressure in all tires. I am exceptionally grateful to the Canadian Tire by West Edmonton Mall for their exceptionally professional service – at no charge – in checking and topping up my tires. It was an experience I wasn’t expecting to be as easy and helpful as it was. It created a sense of relief for my and Dax as he was worried that we wouldn’t make it home safely.

As we were eating breakfast before leaving Edmonton we received a call about Grandpa Frank. He had also had a serious of small heart attacks and was currently in hospital. There were additional complications to his situation that doctors were trying to resolve. While very serious I later found out that it wasn’t the heart attacks that had doctors concerned, but the low blood count as it signified a bleed, which as far as I know they still haven’t found.

Grandpa Frank is at home with additional monitoring happening while waiting for access to more tests. He was told to slow down and rest. We shall see how that works out. When I told the kids what was going on I watched as Seth just shut down. It was too much for him to process and deal with at the time, but seems to be coming up now in different ways.

This trip did see us start to train the kitten to travel. She did amazing and was such a lovely thing to have with us during the additional emotional navigation. She only climbed my leg while I was driving three times.

We got home Tuesday evening to my older two cats being sick. They typically have seasonal issues, but this time it seemed a bit more pronounced. The older cats are really old – geriatric according to the vet – and we had been watching the oldest, Juniper, for a few years as it seemed in the fall she would get bad, but recover. This year she didn’t and we said goodbye to her a few days after we returned home.

I believe that she had a stroke or some other type of condition that led to her final death. She was 19.5 years old. I realized then that she had been in our lives for the entire duration of the kids existence and asked them if they wanted a keep sake from her. They both said yes, so we had her cremated and have some of her ashes in some pewter containers to remember her. The remaining ashes went with the communal ones out into the bush to be scattered.

Most of the above happened within a week. It was a bit rough, but we are working through it the best we can and have had some positive news.

The day after Juniper passed I received a message from Vivo, I had previously purchased raffle tickets for some prize draws that I had completely forgotten about, indicating that we had won one of the prize packages amounting to roughly $1400 in prizes supporting activities like movies, Calgary Flames tickets, and other prizes. I need to still pick those up. It was a much needed win for us after the week we had just experienced.

In late October I increased my hours of work and returned to the office two days a week. This week was the first days in the office. The first day was okay, today while in the office was great, but going home was hard. I didn’t realize how much Dave and I communicated until I was leaving the office and couldn’t complete my normal work related conversation dump to him on my way home. It was a ritual that we had, I would call him every day on my way to get the kids from school or day home. There were very few where this didn’t happen.

This wasn’t a part I was anticipating being hard. I didn’t even think about how much we talked on the phone both when he was home and when he was away. How much I used those conversations to decompress from whatever was bothering me about work, or maybe even the exciting things that happened. It was a way that I prepared to shift from being at work to being at home that I didn’t even think about prior to today.

I had thought that seeing people I know and sharing how things are would be hard, and they will be, but I didn’t realize the rest. I knew I missed talking to him about the kids and what they were doing and having that second person to help navigate the challenges, but I didn’t even think about how much we checked in with each other for other things or how much he supported me in just the everyday.

It will be 6 months tomorrow that he passed, and I am still finding small things that I didn’t realize I would struggle with. My drive home today from work was hard because I wanted to share with him the great day I had, the interesting insights that were found, and that I was feeling good being back in the office.

We are headed into Dave’s favorite time of year, Halloween. We are still decorating, participating in getting dressed up, but the excitement is muted, clouded. Somewhere I lost/misplaced all of my old Halloween decorations, so needed to get new ones. Seth says he knows where they are, but I am not sure they are the right ones, or even outside decorations. I hope the weather holds out as I would like to make use of the Community fire pit in the park that evening. Our neighborhood is decorated and ready for Halloween.

I am ready for the positive stuff to happen. Work is great and I am adjusting to getting up earlier, getting ready for work – putting on work clothes, and I did miss doing the work and connecting with people, but it’s hard too. There is a lot of trust rebuilding that needs to happen within our office. I feel/think that we are in the right space for it to happen, but… with more change comes different challenges, and there is more change.

It’s been a whirl wind two years. LOTS of change both personally and professionally. I am ready for things to settle and remain stable for a few years rather than just a few months. I think we all need that with everything that has happened in the last 18 months with COVID and everything else.

There is a lot to navigate with my own journey through this, as well as being there for the kids. We are finding our balance and learning where our limits are and starting to push those a bit to add capacity. My house has returned to kid central on weekends as it was prior to COVID and Dave getting sick. Which means a mess all the time! It is good that the friends who are allowed in – as we are training a few new ones – help clean up as they know what I expect because they have learned.

We are finding our way and moving through the good and hard days. Today is a hard day, tomorrow will be different. We are still able to find joy which is the only way I know to live, recognize the hard, allow space for the hard, sad, scary, or angry and find the positive. This is for everything, not just because we have lost someone.