Every year you prepare for the holidays. Purchasing gifts, making plans to spend time with family and friends. This is the cycle that we live due to holidays that we celebrate. It doesn’t change with the loss of a loved one. It doesn’t change even though you are not sure you can think about being happy to celebrate the end of another year. It doesn’t change because one of the people you normally had to include is no longer able to respond to messages to be included.
For us December is packed full of different things that we have done traditionally. Kids having concerts (stopped due to COVID), gathering with friends and family (changed due to COVID), wedding anniversary (that I haven’t been thinking about because it makes me sad), Christmas, and New Years. And don’t get me started on January as that’s a whole other collection of things that at present I am not ready to focus on.
At times if feels like last Christmas was harder than this one is being. Dave was not well and didn’t want to really participate in Christmas as he was very depressed due to the rapid loss of ability he was facing and that the treatments weren’t working to stop the cancer progression. So I felt more pressure to make that Christmas a happy one around very unhappy circumstances, and I felt very lost in that process.
This year the kids and I started a bit earlier in our planning and talking about what we wanted Christmas to look like, where we wanted to go, who we wanted to see, and how we wanted to celebrate. If we wanted to decorate and all of the other things that go along with Christmas.
The kids made much of this easy as they do get excited for Christmas and recognize that while we are missing a person we can solidify our family in the new look, the three of us, and make Christmas what we want it to be without pressure to be something else. They wanted to decorate and set up the tree. They wanted to shop for presents for each other. They made special requests to find a way to get me something from each of them too. My kids are making it a bit easier to be excited about Christmas amidst the sadness of loss.
While Dax is struggling a bit more with the idea of the holiday, he is older and had more experiences with his dad than Seth did being younger, Seth is trying to find ways to include his dad without him being here. While decorating the Christmas tree Seth took his favorite decorations and put them in one spot for his dad. He also wants to make sure that we have things to put into his dad’s stocking and asked for something specific that he could then claim. Bought it for dad, but dad’s not here so it’s now mine – in reality I wanted it so found a way to convince mom to get it. I know I am picking my battles. It was a wireless mouse, which he really could use, so it wasn’t something that will go to waste.
Dax is excited, but anxious about Christmas. He has worries about being sad all the time because his dad isn’t here. We are working on strategies to help with this as we don’t always have to be thinking about that dad isn’t here. We are allowed to be sad, and happy. It’s a moving target currently for him and we are allowing him to choose what he wants to participate in as we go. However, there are things that we need to do where a choice isn’t allowed.
Yesterday, Dec 12, we went to the AUPE One Minute with Santa drive through event. It was lovely and the gifts the boys got were absolutely perfect for them. Dax didn’t want to go. I think he fears the question “What do you want for Christmas?” as it brings up memories of conversations about what he would truly wish for Christmas. Seth just spits it out that he wants his dad for Christmas, but Dax knows it’s not possible even if there was a weird miracle that could occur. Seth still lives with the idea that wishes come true, where Dax is getting almost too old for that.
For Dax this year has been rough, many things that we do with kids to keep the magic of life and the harshness of the world at bay have been shown as false to him. He asked this year if Santa Clause was real. I have always been truthful with my kids when they ask direct questions. I know it burst bubbles, but I don’t believe that lying to them creates the best relationship as it shows that they can lie to me when I ask direct questions. He learned that Santa is a feeling and way of being with others. That we try our best to create a feeling of caring, and trying to make people’s lives a little better through our actions. What he asked was if Santa was real of it it was his mom? He is at the age were the magic is being disturbed.
With what he has gone through and the wishes he has made not coming true it is hard for him to still believe in the magical wish granting things. He is doing amazing for not ruining them for his brother who still believes. Dax has always been more mature for his age and his maturity just keeps showing up in amazing ways as he moves into the pre-teen, puberty challenges. *Story for another post*
He did enjoy the drive through with Santa. Though it was a bit hard as he isn’t entirely sure how to handle the sadness that he is feeling because his dad isn’t around to participate in Christmas. He is growing up a bit too fast this last year and it’s hard to slow him down as he thinks very practically and logically, and is starting to really analyze what happens around him, most days.
While Seth struggles a bit with impulse control when his emotions get big he hasn’t lost the ability to wish for miracles. He is also not shy about asking for what he wants in a real way. It is a gift for him to feel confident enough to say what he wants even though he knows it’s not possible. It’s still hard to have these conversations to make sure he understands that this is our reality. And I have to caution everyone when they ask that question that they aren’t going to get the regular kid response, but the response that you might expect when a child has lost a parent, in whatever way.
While these conversations have been hard, they are real and part of the journey we are on to find our path together without Dave. He is still with us in many ways, but not physically. I have been avoiding thinking about our Wedding Anniversary as it is almost harder to think about over Christmas. It’s coming up on December 18. This was our day, the day we chose to commit to each other for the rest of our lives, and now I am finding a way to go on without him. While vows are usually “till death do you part” you don’t expect to have to go through that part until you are old, kids are grown and you have been together for many, many years.
Dave and I would have been celebrating our 12th Wedding Anniversary. Due to his diagnosis we didn’t get to do what we had wanted to do for our 10th Anniversary, and didn’t get the chance to travel after due to COVID and continued health challenges. It makes me sad that we didn’t get to complete things we had promised to each other. We weren’t able to travel together to places we wanted to, and it makes completing those travel opportunities harder. I still want to go with the kids back to California, to Hawaii, to the Cayman Islands, but it’s hard as those are things we planned with Dave.
Dave and I frequently forgot our Anniversary, we would remember either the day before or a few days after. It’s not that our wedding day wasn’t important, it was that we celebrated our relationship every day. We didn’t need one day to celebrate that we chose to be together. Coming to our Anniversary this year, though, is a full reminder that he is gone, not just away working. That we don’t have more milestones to celebrate together. We had an amazing relationship, we shared everything. Yes, we fought from time to time, but we were able to find common ground always. I miss him, and I am afraid I won’t ever find that connection again.
And I am trying really hard not to think about New Years as it was special too. I haven’t spent these holidays alone, yes my kids are here, I mean without a significant romantic person, in 18 years. And long before that too.
It’s hard to express the feelings as they rapidly shift between sadness and frustration. The frustration I can’t even tell you what it’s about. There is anxiety about the future and future relationships. It’s hard when you have had what was as close to perfect as you can get to trust you will find something like that again. Not just for you, but your kids too. Not that I am looking, but this is the longest (ever) that I have been without a significant partner. It’s rough as I am not used to it, yet it does feel somewhat natural. It’s just a mess. I want it back, but at the same time I don’t because it won’t be the same.
Overall, though we are doing okay. The kids are doing well in school, even though they have had a number of sick days in the last three weeks. Academically they are thriving, or at least that is what I am being told. Dax is doing exceptionally well, and ahead of grade level in much of his work. Seth is doing fine, and would be better if he applied himself, but he doesn’t get the same sense of accomplishment as Dax does in doing a good job at school. I am not worried, as Dax was the same way in grade 2 and really didn’t get that same sense of accomplishment until last year.
They are both making friends and finding their places within their classes. I am very proud of them for how well they are doing in school. They enjoy going to school, though Dax has started to exhibit anxiety when he gets behind on projects. He finally understands that homework isn’t necessarily because he needs to do something, but provides the time to catch up so that he doesn’t feel the same anxiety pressure.
We are looking forward to Christmas and the holidays. Even though there are some points of sadness we have committed to ensuring that we have happy and exciting too. It’s a start of our new traditions, while keeping with some of the old ones, like me wrapping presents while watching movies – if only technology would cooperate!
Happy Holidays Everyone. Hug your loved ones for me! We are getting through and finding our way, leaning on those who are part of our close circle and I thank you so much for that support!
The Adams-Schlag Family 