Our First Christmas has passed since Dave passed away. It was filled with laughter, joy and a little sadness. I keep wondering where I pull my strength from, how I can move forward without feeling lost in pain and sadness. Maybe it’s just who I am and that I don’t get lost in those feelings. I never really liked them and so acknowledge them and move on. Maybe I’ve learned this over the years as I grew up, I certainly recall points in time where I couldn’t work through feelings like sadness, grief and loss in the same way I am now.
The harder part of December/Christmas for me was our Wedding Anniversary. While Dave and I often forgot the day, and often celebrated quietly on our own, it was still a milestone that we made together and provided many memories. I think what makes me sad about that day is all of the things we had planned for each anniversary. At 10 years (which was 2019) we had talked about getting tattoos together. Due to Dave’s illness that didn’t happen.
We had also talked about taking a trip at 10 years to celebrate 10 years of being married. We had been together for longer than that, 15 years at that point, but wanted to take the kids on a trip to celebrate our continued commitment to each other. This also didn’t happen due to Dave’s illness and recommendations from doctors to stay close to home due to changing seizures.
We didn’t get to do our trip in 2020 either, due to COVID-19 and Dave’s continued health decline. New memories are now to be made without his physical presence, but I can trust my youngest to find ways of bringing his memory with us as his creative brain keeps coming up with unique ways to remember, recognize and include his father.
Christmas itself was actually lovely. It was calm, joyous, and exactly what we needed for the three of us to know that it will be okay, and that we can still find joy in important days. The kids had friends over almost everyday which they enjoyed, me…well, even my own get to be a lot after a while, but I had a good book to read and was able to relax too.
Christmas Eve, the kids wanted to watch a movie, but couldn’t agree on what they wanted to watch. I was still getting things together for the next day, so wasn’t able to sit down fully and watch with them. They finally settled on watching “Home Alone 2, Lost in New York”. I’ve seen it a few times, so was fine with the selection and puttered about while they watched. Just before the good part, both boys wanted to stop watching and go do something else, play video games was what it was, but I insisted that they finish the movie, which they did enjoy.
After the movie Seth and I set out cookies, which I am thankful to my coworker for as I totally forgot about that part, and milk for Santa. Along with that we added a couple of oranges, because I had no carrots. Dax had asked earlier in the month if Santa was real and I have a really hard time lying to my children when they ask point blank questions, especially when they follow up with “or is it you”. He didn’t seem super disappointed, and promised to keep the spirit for his brother. I think he still believes a bit in the spirit of Christmas, which is what I had hoped.
Once Seth was asleep and it was time for me to go to bed Dax came up and helped me put out the Santa presents, eat the cookies and oranges, and fill stockings, not his though as he didn’t want to know what he was getting. It was more help than I have had in a number of years in getting things ready for Christmas day and I was very grateful, as it was what I wanted for the kids, Dax is now part of the prep for the day which makes my heart happy in how he wants to hold onto the spirit of Christmas.
Christmas Day dawned icy cold, but sunny. The kids waited until 8am (apparently they were up at 7, but stayed in bed) to get up and start our process. I was awake at 7:30 waiting for them to get up as they were very quiet. Coffee, stockings, breakfast, presents and then packing up to leave to go to the lake for dinner. Yes, I needed coffee before all of that was supposed to happen. The process was more like stockings, coffee, breakfast, presents, but what ever, kids don’t know how to do my coffee yet…they will get trained soon.
Stockings were filled with all sorts of goodies for the kids. Pens they kept stealing from my desk, coal (sour patch kids), fidget toys, books, note pads, mitts, and other random things. I ended up burred under all of it as they opened them with me on my bed. Seth ensured that we had a stocking for Dave and it was filled with things we could use around the house. A wireless mouse (that Seth wanted), and soap (Dr. Squatch that I ordered way too much of even after sharing with everyone). My stocking had Chapstick, tongues, and pens that the kids keep stealing.
Breakfast was French toast as I had forgotten to get the items I needed to make pumpkin pancakes (that’s New Years breakfast). It’s filling and I knew it would take them until supper time as there was no other meal planned until we were at the lake.
I used to take lots of pictures of the kids opening presents, until one year I realized that I wasn’t experiencing Christmas with them and so I now take a few little ones or a video when they open presents from family who are far away. This year that was my parents (like usual) and sister (like usual). I recorded only the kids opening my mom’s presents, sorry Sister, by that time we were in happy chaos. Kids and I got Oodies 2 each (huge comfy pullover blanket type hoodies, Grandma & Grandpa Anderson), nerf guns x2 each(Amanda & Me), Lego (Santa gift), Clay (Santa gift), nerf bullets of various kinds, mittens (little do they know they are what I wore as a kid – thanks mom), long stuffed cat (body style pillowish thing – Seth guessed this on Christmas Eve), a second Nintendo Switch (joint present from me) and a few other odds and ends. They were the most excited about the Oodies and nerf guns.
The Switch got a very muted response. By the time they were opening that one friends had arrived so I think they were distracted. The switch got more excitement when all of the friends were here on the 27th and were playing games together. The intention was so that when we travel the kids can each have a switch to play together rather than needing to worry about packing up multiple laptops for them to play and connect with their friends while we are away. Planning ahead to hopefully a California trip in the Spring (that’s going to be a hard one as it is the only non-family vacation that we have taken with the kids, other than camping, and the last one we took, other than camping, before Dave got sick. But we will still enjoy it).
The morning was exactly what we needed and wanted Christmas morning to be. Kit dove in and out of boxes, under paper and was stepped on a couple of times as we had so much paper and boxes you couldn’t see the floor. She made us all laugh with her excitement over the “toys” she had, typical kitten. We were able to focus on ourselves and not worry about other people feeling left out or disappointed with presents in comparison to what my kids received, which sounds like a lot, but really wasn’t any more than they normally received for Christmas.
I received a few pieces of jewelry that represent the kids (birthstone rings) and a necklace Seth picked out. Some body care products that I wanted to try, and are really amazing in how they make my skin feel (reserving the rest of my review until I have used them for more than just a couple of days as they are supposed to do more than just make my skin feel good). A new blow-dryer (mine was from the 1990s and really needed to be replaced) and a few other odds and ends including a really neat journal book that my sister sent. YES, I bought my own Christmas presents, had to or the kids would have felt bad and I didn’t really have anyone to send them to a store with who would have helped them get it right. I often went shopping with Dave prior to Christmas and pointed out items I would like to receive. He knew how to do it right which meant I wasn’t receiving things that would be completely outside of my style, though sometimes he did it all on his own too, and got it right.
After all the presents were opened we cleaned up, the kids played with their friends for a bit, packed up and went out to the lake for an evening with Dave’s mom and stepdad. It was supposed to be a few more people, but sicknesses got them (flu) and so it was just us, which was also good.
We opened a few additional gifts, the kids receiving a number of little things from Grandma and Papa along with Great Grandma Mary and Papa Frank. I received a painting from MaryAnne that was a feather in teal, silver and white on a black background. Lovely, and hanging in my living room.
We visited, played some Uno, left Right and Centre, and had a wonderful meal. I am grateful to my children for pushing to play games that they wanted to play and having these things happen a bit more organically instead of planned out and pushed as I have always found that difficult. I have always felt that gatherings should be about the people not the activities planned to ensure that the people interact. As an introvert, it creates a lot of additional stress when I know that I am going to have to participate in a game that doesn’t add to the experience of visiting, but can take away the deeper interactions that we can have when left to our own devices. I understand the need to ensure people are mingling, but when there are so few of us, for me, it really isn’t necessary and feels forced rather than fun.
The kids enjoyed being goofy and playing with some of their toys later in the evening which allowed for the adults to talk and catch up. It was nice to just sit and do that as we haven’t really been able to for a number of reasons including grief. Being at the lake was lovely, but hard at the same time. I am not saying that one person should grieve in a particular way, but I struggled sitting at the table with pictures of Dave under my plate for meals. I miss him, and felt like it was a reminder that he was gone, not a memory of him being with us or a feeling of him being with us. Not criticizing, just stating how I felt about it.
The cold temperatures continued, so we came home on Boxing Day as planned as it was going to get much colder and I didn’t want to be on the highway in -36C, I was even reluctant to be out in -24C, but managed with the new truck just fine. In fact, I don’t even think the rear windows frosted much – amazing!
As we arrived home, a text came through from one of the kids friends wondering when we were getting back. The kids then had a couple of nights of sleep overs with their friends, Seth at his friends, Dax at home then most of the kids here. Seemed better with the two brothers here rather than just one, less worry about parents not being home. The older one is weird as he kept looking out the window to make sure his parents were still home. They live across the park from us.
So in general, we had a great Christmas. It wasn’t as emotionally hard as I had expected, but has been a bit hard in other ways. We move forward, we don’t focus on the wishing that Dave was here-too much, and make new memories that he would want us to make. I feel last Christmas was harder, as he was in a rapid decline of ability and really couldn’t (and seemed to not want to, at times) participate in anything. This year I focused on making the new, enjoying our time and just being together with my kids. It was really what we needed as a family.
Next up is New Years, we had plans. BUT the stupid cold has changed them. Oh well, between COVID’s new variant, the cold and everything, I think it will be a gaming New Years Eve, which will be just fine. Happy New Year!
The Adams-Schlag Family 