I have been avoiding writing because I have been so conflicted these last few months, that and I don’t know that I really had anything to say about this journey. And apparently I have a lot to update on.
January and February were hard months and yet, they brought some much needed distractions, people coming back into my world that had been missing for various reasons and my first illness in 2 years.
Our January birthday week was a bit rough. I am not the type of person to dwell on the passing of a person. I don’t live with the I should have done more or what could I have done more. I don’t reflect on the year of struggle wishing for something different. Wishing is great for the future, but does nothing for the past.
I get that others aren’t like me in that and so I tried to make sure that there was space for celebrating something that was a tradition, Dave’s birthday, as we would have normally. I did however, want this to be something quieter with just the kids and I, but made space for more because I felt I could. It was still hard as my own birthday is just a few days ahead of Dave’s and I felt that the focus of family getting together was him, again not saying it’s wrong, only that I will always focus on those that are here and present for the experience. Spirits aside.
It was still good to get together with family and it was a beautiful day of sledding and skating, but still hard. As an introverted empath I get caught up in the emotions of others and have a hard time with that. I have learned strategies, but sometimes they aren’t effective and the experience makes me feel off for days afterwards. I want others to feel better, and will often put my own feelings aside to accommodate, leaving me to struggle later with both sets of emotions. It’s a struggle I have had likely all my life, but only recently realized.
February had Valentines. And while Dave and I really didn’t ever focus on Valentine’s as the only day to express your love for your partner, it was still hard because he wasn’t here to share our mutual rejection of the commercialized day. My heart was heavy that week because of it. I was eternally grateful for the launch of a video game that I had been waiting on for years. Sad that I couldn’t play with Dave, but happy to be back connecting with a gaming community. I knew I missed it as I kept going back into old websites the past few months. While I don’t go out and intentionally seek in person connections, I crave and need the virtual family that we had created. It’s easier to talk to someone about what you are feeling when they can’t see the tears streaming down your face or you can type it so they can’t feel the emotion from your voice.
As part of this I was so happy to have someone who fell lost the ability to connect come back. It was a lightness in my heart to know that while some shitty things happened to him he was back and figuring things out. It was a relief and created a lightness to talk to him about what he had missed in being away. Even though it brought up feelings, it was like I could deal with them and put them away again, and they didn’t need to come back out because that chapter was now fully over, and the new could begin.
Work has gotten steadily busier as we have become more short staffed. That is an entirely different point of stress, but a bit easier to deal with as it’s not emotional, or at least I am able to partition better these days. I am appreciative of the changes in the office and how I feel needed there as it helps with some of the other parts because I can put them aside for a few hours. I am not sure at present if I am too busy, though it is starting to feel that way, so I hope for some news soon of additional hires.
Along side this are some struggles the kids are having. Well, mostly Seth as he doesn’t talk much about his feelings, but goes from one extreme to another and it’s hard to get him to see that he might be over reacting to the situation. He has been doing better with school, but still has bouts of acting out physically when he isn’t happy with something. THIS IS NOT NEW, he was that kid before too. It’s just harder when it’s at school and I can’t get on top of it until the episode is over and often forgotten about. I am fortunate the school is aware of what is happening and that Seth is doing well academically even with some of the social interaction issues.
Dax is so different (he’s older too though) and comes to talk to me when he is feeling off. It’s a very different thing with him. Though I can see him becoming a very quiet reflective teenager. He still tells me what’s bothering him and tries to get me to be embarrassed talking about puberty and body changes. Yep, it has started with him, which is hard for me because I am not a boy and don’t have any idea what their process is, but we have Uncle Mark down the street who has been helpful in this part. Oh and Mom who bought a book for Dax called You Know, Sex which started a whole other thing because I share too much with my gaming family.
But that sharing has also been a blessing as it made me realize that I just might be ready to find a new connection, that I may not be okay with being on my own. I never really was okay being by myself without another adult companion, but haven’t been actively looking because I wasn’t really ready. Though I don’t have any clue if I really am ready as in person comments from single men still make me really uncomfortable, especially if I don’t feel a connection to them.
Seth’s birthday was in March and we were supposed to be in California visiting our friends there, but Dax got sick and then I got sick. So it had to be cancelled. I think it was for the best as I really hadn’t planned well and many of the things we would have wanted to do weren’t going to be available and our friends had so much other things going on it was just not good timing. We will try again later this year (maybe this summer) not sure when though as everyone’s lives are so very busy that it’s hard to plan. Our kids are similar in age so school stuff becomes challenging to navigate and with different holidays we don’t often match up with time off.
That sickness kept me home for a week with Dax and a bit over a week with me. It was not COVID, but just our first regular cold in 2 years so it hit harder than it would have otherwise, and likely my spring allergies too. It sucked as I hadn’t been sick as a single parent yet. I am so lucky that my kids are old enough to fend for themselves in some ways. Though cereal for every meal isn’t the best, they didn’t go hungry.
Back to the book – thanks mom – and my over sharing for a moment. I have always been open talking about sex, intimacy and relationships. It’s not something that I have ever been embarrassed about or felt the need to be coy about. Ask me a question and I will tell you my opinion or experience. You will need to tell me I am over sharing if you are uncomfortable. But talking about all of this made me feel lonely, missing the touch of a partner, missing that unique connection that one has with a lover. This became entirely too clear as the week progressed and I was looking forward in a different way to playing my video games.
I have always collected male friends, always – even going through all of my schooling. It is a thing with me that I have never reflected on or really tried to figure out because I enjoy the different energy they have. There is TYPICALLY less drama and I just feel like I can be who I am without the worry that what I say will offend them because they try to read my intentions, which are straight forward. There are very few women (and those who I have stayed connected to know who you are) that I have the same resonance with. But, I need those males who have found their way into my space, into my collection of people who are family and more. I don’t let people see that part often, but if you are luck enough to have me check up on you, it won’t change, unless you do something immensely stupid and disrespect me…then it’s a whole different thing.
I digress
This week is going to be a hard week. Dave passed away April 28, 2021. That is this week. I don’t know how I feel about that right now. I am very sad he’s gone, but part of me is so very excited to see what the future brings that I am scared out of my mind. I am a forward looking person. I did the backward looking thing young, and it created some depression that I was able to recognize early enough and get out of. Every relationship builds to provide you the tools and knowledge of what you want and need for your future.
I have zero regrets from any of my relationships. I have zero regrets in wanting to move forward. I have zero regrets because I know what my chosen life partner would want for me and I for him in the reverse. I have a much better understanding of me now, than I did when we started our journey together. It just sucks that we couldn’t continue to grow together.
Everything that happens is put before us to challenge our way of being. Somethings are easy, some are hard, some feel like you will never overcome them, but they all lead to something more. Even the really shitty stuff can lead that way. At least for me, that’s how I have lived and will continue to live. Dave showed me so much, we shared so much, we have so much, but he’s not here to build more. While that makes me sad, I also see the opportunity. It’s conflicting to say, but I can find the next. I know myself better now because of him and will find the fit I need to continue being open to life.
It’s already started, and I am crazy scared, but hopeful and in awe of how people are brought into your circle when you are ready to try something new. BUT overwhelmed and the speed in which this is happening. My head is spinning, the intensity is nuts, but when have I ever done anything half way or slowly? I am trying to move with a little more caution as the kids are my entire world, but they have given their blessing on this, which I wasn’t expecting at all.
Okay universe, bring it! Let’s see what you’ve got for me now!
Rambling mess of words, but I am doing okay in my not always okay state. Honestly, I am really fantastic. I loved him with everything, and will continue to do so as I have with every person who has taken up residence in my heart at some point in my life. They are all still there in some way, as those experiences shaped how I know myself today and I am grateful for each and every one of them, regardless of what they were or where they’ve gone.
The Adams-Schlag Family 