Have you ever thought that you had everything you could have ever wanted? That life couldn’t be any more perfect? That you were with the person you were meant to be with? I did. While there were challenges, things were good. I was happy.
And then things weren’t so good, the person I thought was my forever got sick and then died. I felt numb. Numb is the best word I can find to describe the feeling of being empty, yet not entirely, yet utterly. I felt relief in some ways that the pain my love had been experiencing was over, along with the pain I was feeling in losing him over less than two years.
We tried to enjoy the time we had, but it was exceptionally hard because of other factors that we had no control over, COV-SARS-2 or COVID 19. What we did get was to spend a lot of time together in the space space and be with each other. Which while not the plan we had allowed us to mourn together. We knew where things were going and were able to slowly accept the inevitable together.
I had expected to be broken when he died, yet that’s not where I ended up. I can only believe that it’s because of the acceptance we reached before Dave died. We did all we could within the constraints we were provided with. I had gotten better at being a parent without the additional help before he was even gone. I loved him with my whole being, but had slowly started pulling way from that and closing the chapter as we approached the end of his life.
While I was sad he was gone. The reality is that he had no choice but to leave and everything that we had together only makes moving forward into the new that much more clear. I know what I need, want and won’t have because of him. Because we talked about everything it’s something that I KNOW I NEED in the next person to be my person.
Because of how Dave treated me I know how I need and want to be treated. I know the kind of person who will fit into my chaos, because of him. We were different together than anything I had experienced before. We made promises to each other that we kept related to communicating with each other over everything. I know that I need that in my next person.
Our love was visible to others. The respect, kindness, consideration and compassion that we had for each other was felt by others we were around. Some didn’t understand how we kept the same feeling of new love throughout our relationship. Yes, it ebbed and flowed. But we always came back to the same sense of home with each other. We fit and complimented each other in a way that a lot of couples don’t. We shared everything and it was about us together and not separate that made things work.
That has been the hardest thing to accept was gone. That person who shared everything with you. Listened when you needed to vent without judgement, supported you in ways you never knew you needed and just was your everything. We had built a shared life and now half was gone. I had to become okay with being alone. Something I have never been good at, ever. This last year and a bit has been the longest I have ever been without a romantic partner, and the longest I haven’t felt that it was missing in my life.
Until recently.
I truly believe that all of our past relationships help to frame our reference for who or what comes next. Sometimes we find the perfect or as close to perfect, match early in our lives. Sometimes this happens over multiple relationships until you wake up one day and realize what you need in a partner and stop looking for what you thought you wanted.
This has been true for me. In reflecting on all of my relationships, not just the romantic ones either, I have come to see that each person who has entered my inner circle of close people (which is usually fairly small) has provided me with something I want to find in my life partner. Even Dave provided that and continued to fill that while he was here.
But it also showed me what might have been missing. Now I am not saying that I wasn’t happy and wouldn’t have stayed happy. I am saying that in reflection there are things that I can now go find because after reflecting I know what I need in my next partner. I wasn’t looking, but I knew what I needed to see in the person who would be that next life love.
It’s funny how when you are open to something but not trying to put it into a particular box or parameters what you want and need shows up, is handed to you or something that you had turns into something more. A little over two months ago I wasn’t open to anything new in a romantic partner. Two months ago I was okay with being on my own until the kids were older and maybe even moved out, but 6 weeks ago something shifted.
My friends are predominantly male, they always have been. Especially because I play MMOs and do so with groups. I have always felt comfortable speaking my mind with males, and they seemed to appreciate it as they knew what to expect with me. I recall conversations happening around 2-3 months ago about how to find relationships. I also recall how scared that idea made me.
I hadn’t really “dated” since high school and even then it wasn’t what it is now. I was not open to dating sights, or being set up, or anything really. I have always known that what you need finds you when you are not expecting it. It happened with Dave, but you have to be open to the idea of that type of relationship. Even just a little. A little over two months ago I started talking about relationships and what I believed with my online friends, one in particular, well two, but one more easily than the other.
Somehow I felt safe having these conversations in our platform and sharing my experiences in a way that some of the newer members hadn’t experienced before. I am a very open person. Ask me a question, make a statement that resonates, or say something that doesn’t match my experience and I’m going to provide answers, dig deeper or correct an assumption. Which I found I started doing, slipping back into the self I am comfortable with and like being. In sharing I found that I was possibly more ready for someone new in my life romantically than I had thought I was, but needed that person to be in my life differently than what others would find traditional.
Meeting people online while gaming other people don’t necessarily understand. There is very little frame of reference for it as the reason for talking to each other in an online fashion when gaming is just that gaming. So many don’t understand that there is voice chat and even video chat involved so you get to know those you talk to daily in a different way. However, there are some who become close friends through the process. Those that become so important to you that you stay connected beyond the games you play. I have mine (all of you regardless of how long it’s been, I remember you if we had any sort of conversation beyond the game we were playing) regardless of the length of time we may have played games together.
I need to get to know someone without the pressure of determining if there is chemistry between us first. I want to know if our values, beliefs and understandings match, because if we can’t provide non-romantic support to each other how are we going to be with each other when romantic involvement isn’t appropriate. Yes, there is something to knowing what the person on the other side of your speakers looks like, but it’s not the only thing for me that I look for in a partner.
For me it goes deeper than the romantic connections. Being able to talk about anything and everything comfortably is exceptionally important to me. I don’t want to be pulling answers from my partner because they are uncomfortable with the conversation. I can’t be casing down the person who is going to be in my life, I don’t have time for that. Two kids, and other adult responsibilities don’t really allow for that, but I also don’t need to be chased. I know that I need someone who is able to be on their own, but wants to be within my chaos and wants to share theirs with me.
My kids are part of me, the package I present. When I need to focus on them it is about them regardless of what else I might want to do. While they don’t dictate what i do, they influence it. If they aren’t happy with what is happening I will need to re-evaluate what I am doing. I am incredibly lucky with my kids. They are happy when I am happy and as my exploration of finding a partner became more serious they both encouraged me to continue only asking that they be nice and treat me well, which would in turn provide them with what they needed.
And in that two became one. One who understood what I was saying, one who shared easily, one who while afraid pushed past the fear to accept the exploration I was doing. I made a mess in that though, but it wasn’t only mine as I was as up front and honest about what I was doing as I knew how to be. Likely there was a bit more I could have done, but the outcome would have been the same based on what I experienced. Which is exceptionally disappointing as connections are connections regardless of where they end up. I have taken the stance of friends first, always friends first, whatever else happens hopefully can revert to friends should more not work for both parties, as hard as that is to do, it is what I hope for and have had in past experiences. Never regret the explorations that don’t work out as they can provide you with so much knowledge of what you really need, but in that you have to be able to look past your own hurt and see what there is to learn.
Going back to my belief that all of your past experiences help you to determine what you need from your life partner, I never thought that I could find more than what I had with Dave. I thought I would have to accept less. That I would never find that someone who would provide the communication connection that I had lost when Dave died. I never expected to find an inherent trust in someone that I was talking to daily, but video chatted with occasionally (and really never paid attention to the video often when we did that). Never expected that I could share my fears, worries, needs, desires and plans for the future with someone without having to give something up or be someone I am not for a new partner.
Yet, I have. It scares me to the core, as I haven’t even shared a physical space with this person and the connection is so very potent, strong, electric, and right. Some of the things that I had set aside about what I needed (or hadn’t even realized that I needed) suddenly are filled. It’s everything that I had before (again the building concept) and yet so much more. I didn’t realize that I was spinning in the chaos of my life until he arrived and calmed me, balanced me, grounded me, gathered the shattered strands of me that I didn’t realize had escaped.
I realized pretty quickly after our deeper exploration of what we need in a partner that I absolutely needed to smell him. To be in his space to make SURE that this wasn’t just built up in my head. So I am going. Works better for me to go as it keeps the kids safe, not that I am worried about that, it just works better for me to go. I have time, and the right documents to travel. Seems fast, but we were friends before either of us realized our friendship was more, because at the time of friends neither of us was ready, or looking for something new. He shifted into “best” friend mode quickly which then morphed into something more just as rapidly.
We’ve talk about everything, and I do mean everything, and our beliefs match. Our desires match, our needs match, our wants match, what we don’t want matches. We’ve fallen fast into something neither of us expected would be possible. The next step is our physical meeting, but even that is just a step that needs to be taken to make sure that we aren’t imagining this feeling, connection. I don’t believe that we are, but I need to be sure. So I am going in less than 5 days. Hopefully the anticipation doesn’t kill me.
The Adams-Schlag Family 