Excitement & More Change

I posted a something on Facebook recently stating “I used to run and hide from change, now I chase it down and clobber it into submission”. It is what I feel like now. I did used to hide from change, I didn’t want change, didn’t see the need. I did see the need for growth, but not change. What I have learned is that you don’t get learning and growth without some form of change. And sometimes that means hunting the change down and making it happen. And sometimes the change finds you when you don’t expect.

Over the last three years we have experienced some of the most challenging forms of change. Saying goodbye to an important part of your life, your children’s lives and your community is probably one of the hardest changes you will have to experience in life. Especially when it’s not your conscious choice to do so, but you have to or you will get stuck not moving on with life.

Some change is hard, but exceptionally exciting. Hard because you need to be open to the change, but exciting because it adds to your life in a way you didn’t realize or had been missing. Exciting because you are ready to move forward and live life again to the full extent you should. Hard because you never expected to have this “starting” experience again and learning to trust another person with your needs is scary.

While all of this is happening sometimes you realize that the person you had been with, while great for you, wasn’t the only one who is a match to your needs. You get the opportunity to reflect on what you need from your next partner and if you are honest with yourself about what you want, need and won’t ever tolerate it will come to you, but you have to be ready to receive it.

In a funny way, I was and wasn’t ready to be open to something new earlier this year. Things were still too raw and I hadn’t really sat down to think about what I needed from a partner. I was doing okay on my own. Then I had a realization that I had been on my own for a year, which in reflection was the longest I had been without a male partner in my life since I was a teenager. Not that I started looking for someone, but it was an interesting realization.

Now, some of what happened next I need to blame on my mother for sending my eldest a particular book as it prompted a conversation that I didn’t realize I was ready for, nor was I at that time looking for a relationship. However said book did create a couple of interesting scenarios which both troublesome and wonderful led to a great connection. I can say that through that first few weeks after having the conversation about said book with my group of gaming friends (primarily male) I made a decision to not be exclusive, but to see what was out there that might match my requirements.

The requirements were that the person needed to understand that I wasn’t moving. The kids and I have a great support network here, I have a wonderful job, and I am not willing to uproot them to be with someone who I am dating. The person needed to understand that I am not having anymore children. This is a no-go for me for multiple reasons, age being only one. The person needed to understand what I needed for emotional and spiritual support, of course this is a topic of conversation, but I don’t think that I could be with someone who is overtly religious and attends church every weekend.

The person also needed to understand that I come with children, they are first, they are the focus and that I will defend and protect them with everything I have. This is a hard one for people to wrap their heads around. The last one was that the person who was going to be a part of my life couldn’t have any younger children. I am pretty certain that I would not do well in a relationship where I was navigating parenting styles between myself, a partner and their former partner. Additionally, that’s not something I am really wanting to have to deal with anyway, the other spouse – regardless of how that relationship might be.

As soon as I had put these things out into the universe it answered in a way I wasn’t entirely expecting. Especially that quickly. I didn’t expect that by sharing what I wanted in a partner with some of my online gaming friends would result in interest, especially when they were all from another country. And never would I have expected to have such an intense connection so quickly to another person.

What we both realized was that as you get older, and know who you are and what you want you are able to quickly determine if a relationship will work out or if it’s not something you are willing to put your time into. I must admit that this doesn’t work for everyone, or every situation, but for me it did. I had a wonderful relationship with my late husband, we talked all the time about everything, we treated each other with respect and love. I know what left my life when he passed away and I am confident enough in myself to know when it appears again.

If you spend enough time in reflection on what you need, what and won’t tolerate in a relationship/partner you can easily see what you need to provide to a partner to make things work. But you have to be willing to look at your own flaws in the process. If you don’t you will often make similar mistakes as you start to explore connecting with potential partners. I started down the path of mistakes I have made in the past, but very quickly realized where that would have taken me, and it wasn’t somewhere I was willing to go regardless of the strength of the connection.

I don’t propose that you need to put yourself out there quickly after you have had a substantial loss, you will know when you are ready, and it’s quite okay to try and determine you aren’t ready. If you meet someone that you connect with, but aren’t ready to form a deeper connection don’t, if they don’t understand they aren’t ready for you either.

Grief doesn’t stop, even when you find someone new, you will always remember things or have experiences you want to share with both partners. It’s normal, and doesn’t mean that the new person is loved any less.

Okay back to the topic of finding my new person. I had determined that I was going to “date” meaning I would be open to different connections and not exclusive to one person. Well I failed at that pretty quickly, due to the strength of the connection I felt with one of my gaming friends, who had a similar experience in the loss of his spouse. He met all of my criteria and understood AND accepted that I wasn’t going to move for the relationship.

He is amazing. He did something I never expected in understanding that if he was going to be with me permanently that meant moving to me and the kids. What it meant for him was getting rid of everything he had in his apartment to move up to me. It awe’s me that he did what he did. I am honored by all of that and never expected it to happen in the way it did.

Now we get to deal with all of the other parts of this crazy of this. Immigration, so that he can legally work. Though to be honest it is so very nice to have someone at home doing many of the domestic tasks while I am away at work. Someone home when the kids come home from school and to see them off in the morning. I know it’s hard for him when he has traditionally been the bread winner for his family, but I am grateful for him doing all that he is and has since his arrival in August.

Grateful that I am loved as deeply by him and that he is being a wonderful step-father to my kids. I know it’s hard and that he feels that he isn’t doing enough because he is not financially contributing. I get that, I totally get that. But I don’t even consider that because he is doing so much more for me then I could even qualify with words.

On November 24, 2022 we got married in a very small, intimate ceremony with the kids and a couple of very close friends. It was lovely and just want we both needed to show how much that meant to both of us, and the kids. We will celebrate with more of you when we have a few more things settled. We are aiming for November 2024 as the date for a large celebration of the finalization of immigration and being able to live life as we want to without worry.

It’s been an interesting 2022 for me and my little family, now grown by 1.5 (the man brought me a dog – a lovely dog, but not something I ever expected to have in my life, ever – I am so not a dog person, but this little fuzzy nut is part of the family). 2023 should be full of adventures and fun shared by everyone…If it ever warms up enough. Stay tuned for more from the now Adams-Schlag family.