Over the last few weeks we haven’t seen any noticeable change, most days. Dave sleeps a lot, wakes up to eat and does interact for a short period of time. However, some days are much harder than others. His motivation is dwindling as interacting becomes harder. Thinking and getting words out seems to make him tired really fast, but he is still able to do so, sometimes.
Everything with Dave takes so much longer than it did. Eating takes longer as he needs to chew carefully so that he doesn’t choke. Deciding what to eat takes longer as it’s hard to get words out or make decisions. Determining what he needs takes longer as it’s often a guessing game until we are able to get a response that makes sense and seems to make him happy. However, we are often wrong and sometimes he doesn’t respond at all.
Waiting for him to communicate requires patience I don’t always have. I know there are thoughts in his head, but he struggles to get them out in a way that we can make sense of, which creates frustration. And frustration shuts him down. When he gets too frustrated he just stops trying. And I get angry and frustrated too, especially when I am being pulled in multiple directions.
Don’t take this as that I can’t do it. Just know that it’s hard which means that I need a bit more consideration when you ask me to visit or for how you can help. We are struggling to create routines as things change and as our routine has been disrupted. This is important to our ability to maintain some little portion of normal for all of our resiliency.
Emotions are high and change daily. Both for all of us and for Dave. Some days we are able to laugh and play, while others aren’t so easy. Watching your partner, lover and best friend slowly slip away, over the course of days, is very hard. Waiting to see what happens next, the unknown, the challenge, the change. All of it has created some anxiety in me that I am struggling to manage. It feels like you are in mourning without someone actually leaving and it last so much longer than if things happened quickly.
Having to deal with other’s anxiety over what is happening only makes it worse. Worry over changes that are expected is hard to deal with. The expectation that you contact medical professionals for every change, that you wouldn’t normally do, can make you feel inadequate or that you aren’t doing enough to extend life. Please trust this isn’t the case, but only feels like judgement.
We are doing the best we can with this situation. ALL of us. I don’t need a break, but when I do I will ask. I know that everyone wants to do something to help, but there isn’t much that can be done. Come visit if you would like, as Dave still enjoys visitors, but understand that we are still trying to live our life as normally as possible. The kids still have school, which is from home and requires my attention, and we have care providers coming in 4 times a day to help make sure Dave is clean and comfortable, which also takes my time.
We are resilient and coping, but the hardest part is waiting for what we know is coming. While we still hope for a miracle our reality is that it is that the tumor is still growing and starting to create more impacts. The hardest part is still to come.
The Adams-Schlag Family 
Thanks for the update and sharing your experience. Thanks for being such a loving and caring mother for your kids during such a difficult time and such a loving wife.
You ar doing your best, that’s all you can do.
Love and hugs to you all
Michelle
you write soooo well. You could write a book.
Thank you for sharing how things are going good and bad. We will continue to pray for a miracle for Dave and for strength to continue maintaining a semblance of family life as much as you can. 🙏🏻🙏🏻❤️
You are one of the strongest women I know ❤. Your family is one of the strongest families. Sending all of you love and hugs. Thank you for keeping us up to date.
Please accept my thoughts and prayers for you all. This is such a very tough time for you. Don’t let guilt weigh you down. Few people can understand the anxiety you live with.
When I lost my wife, I felt guilty about whether I was doing enough, and worried if it was wrong to just want it to end. It sounds like you are in the same situation, so I just encourage you to be at peace with the inevitable.
Sadly Dave is not the same man he was, so try to not be frustrated, with him. He is not able to control his thoughts and emotions.
Even though you know what is coming, it will still shock you when it does. Just know that you will feel relief, fear and eventually peace.
I hope you can know that friends and family want to help but just don’t know what to do or even what to say. Try not to be frustrated with us all.
Love and peace to you all.
Brad
Brad – Thank you. Much of what you said here is what I feel. I know that it will be hard when things do finally end and that I won’t be ready, but it’s really hard watching someone you love slip away and change in ways you know they don’t like. I also know that everyone just wants to help, it’s hard to determine what can be helped with when there isn’t much that can be done. It’s the how in which people help, or doing things that they think they would want done if they were in this situation. It’s easy to say that you would want help, but until you experience it you won’t know what it means or know what you need for help. Again thank you.