The End of the Road

Dave’s Brain Cancer Journey ended on April 28, 2021 at around 8:35 pm. It’s been a rough road, full of bumps, detours, rough patches, potholes, and any other obstacle you can imagine put into our path. We knew in January where we would end up, but still hoped for a miracle. That miracle came in the form of a generally peaceful exit of this life to move to whatever is next.

Each of us has a different experience with grief after a loved one passes, none of them are wrong, but not all of them mesh well with each other. We are sad that he had to leave us so early in our life journey, but relieved that he isn’t suffering anymore. His suffering was exponentially more severe as we approached the end when he became locked in his head and not able to really connect, communicate or participate in life.

I am glad that part is over. I didn’t want him to leave, but watching him on the last day was excruciating. You feel so very helpless watching someone struggle to breath. Especially when it doesn’t even feel like your presence helps. I think that was the hardest visit that I had in the entire experience.

The boys and I said our goodbyes to Dave earlier that evening. We didn’t say we would see him later, we just said goodbye and told him that we loved him and would miss him. We knew it would be very soon that he would leave us and we all hoped that he wouldn’t fight for too much longer. And we are glad that he didn’t.

It still doesn’t feel entirely real. I’m not sure it will for a while, but the sadness isn’t as intense as I expected it to be, for the boys and I. Dax commented the other day that he feels this wasn’t as big of an event as it could have been if his dad had been interacting and participating in our lives more than he was near the end. The boys had disconnected from him a number of months prior as Dave just didn’t seem interested or engaged when they tried to talk to him about what was going on.

I know that we will have moments of extreme sadness, specifically around events that we did every year or people we visit as we reminisce about his life. I know that some things will be hard as I will want to talk to him about milestones the kids reach or cool things that they have done. Or just need someone to vent to about life. He was my sounding board, and my grounding person when things got rough.

He was my unconditional and I will miss him dreadfully.

While Dave knew that people would be sad, he never wanted them to live in grief. He HATED funerals and would refuse to go if he could get away with it. As such we won’t have one for him. He preferred people celebrating the time that he gave the world instead of grieving that he was no longer a part of it. We shared this feeling. As much as we never want to leave if it’s our time to return to the energies of the universe we must do so and be part of whatever comes next for that.

His body might be gone, but his energy remains a part of our lives. Through how we continue to move forward with the same purpose we had with him in our lives. How we celebrate each day and the things we can do. His energy threads through the boys as he is part of them and so can never be fully gone. We honor his spirit by continuing to be who we are as he wouldn’t want us to be changed by this, at least not in the long term. BUT if we can learn something and become better, well that’s perfect.

Whatever you believe know that he cared for those who cared for him. His generosity and friendship will never be forgotten. If he called you friend you were one of those who remained that, even when he lost touch with you. He was horrible at keeping touch, but when you met up again it was easy to reminisce. He wasn’t perfect, but no one can be. We loved him and will continue to love him, even though he has moved onto whatever comes next.

The first year wasn’t the hardest part of this journey. The last 4 months were…and then we add to that COVID…it’s been a ride and I am ready to get off now.

Dave will be cremated and we will have a few celebrations when we are able to do so. We will be doing things that Dave enjoyed doing and wanted to share with our kids, but we didn’t get to do enough of, like camping and shooting. That is how we will celebrate his life, and it will be a celebration. Yes, he is gone, but he gave us so much to remember. Those memories keep him alive with us and are the part of us we can treasure, love and hold even when we can’t physically hold him.

He is at peace. He fought hard, but lost. The boys and I are sad, but not lost. We are moving forward in healing even though we are sad. It might just be one day at a time that we are able to manage things for now, which is absolutely okay.

Thank you for all of the well-wishes, condolences, prayers and well everything. Our support network is exceptionally strong and large, which makes me very lucky.

Should you wish provide some symbol of your well wishes please consider donating to the Canadian Cancer Foundation or any cancer research group, Hospice Calgary who supports the Rosedale Hospice where Dave was cared for until he passed, or if you wish to provide us direct support please email me @ sabrinaspassion@gmail.com or donate to our GoFundMe page.

This part of the Adams Family Journey is over. The story continues as we move forward from here. I will continue to blog about our lives as I find it to be exceptionally helpful for me in processing hard, heavy and tough emotions and challenges. I hope that the updates from here are a bit lighter, but will navigate what the universe decides to send us.